Love and Gain

I was going to title this post "From the Other Side" but the more I thought about it, there is no "other side." There is only a journey, a path, a road that we all are traveling.

As I was reading a friends post recently about her losing her baby, it reminded me of my own scars. As I read her words, I was drawn to her post. I felt less alone. I wondered if I could be so brave and share my story. Then doubt crept in. Who am I to share? I'm no expert. As my husband says, I am not even good with the English language. It's true, I struggle putting words to my feelings.

I'm just a mom of an angel. And I realized, had my friend not been so brave to share her story, I would still feel alone. It gave me a sense of responsibility to share our journey of love, loss, and Heaven gaining an angel. In hopes that you too, don't feel so alone.

Today, four years ago, I laid on that ultrasound table as the technician and doctor told us, "we don't see a beating heart." I was already crushed from losing my soulmate dog the month prior, and to hear these words, I asked God, "How can I break any more? I'm already shattered." I was supposed to be Mommy to this baby since I couldn't be Mom to my boy anymore. The technician held it together as she shared her story of heartbreak, losing her baby at 9 months, during delivery.

As we walked out of that room, completely numb they handed us a CD with his pictures and we went to the car and called my parents. We were supposed to go to their house that weekend and share the great news with them that we were pregnant. I had called her in a similar fashion just a few weeks back to tell her I had just lost Harley. I asked, "How many times can I call you bawling in a row?" "It wasn't supposed to be this way."

In the end those pictures are all I have of my boy. I went into full labor that night. Scared we went to the ER. They gave me an exam, made sure i was ok,and sent us home. I just didn't want to be alone. We went to see our OB the next morning at 8am. Realizing what was happening they scheduled an emergency D&C. By the time we got to the OR i had already lost a considerable amount of blood. Talk of transfusion started as i entered the OR. I counted back from 10, got to 9 and the next thing i knew i was waking up in recovery.Physical health-wise everything turned out alright, but emotionally was a different story.They told us at the time there was nothing to recover of him. I felt like I had failed him. Somehow my broken heart, broke his.

As we went home, it was like a giant slap in the face. I looked around at everyone going about their business. Their lives just going on as if nothing happened, while I was in the middle of hell. How was this fair? Had my mom not told me to expect this, I think it would have been a much bigger blow. But it's true. Life does go on. It is just a new normal for you. The waves will come and they will swallow you whole. You will feel like you are drowning. The waves will get smaller and further between. But they will still come.

A year later they called me to come "pick him up." Then called back to tell me he was buried in a common service with all the other babies in the local cemetery under the "unborn babies" headstone. I still feel guilty that I didn't get to give him a proper burial. I resist feeling anger against the clinic for their error. I couldn't take anger on. on top of my grief. It would have broke me.

We wanted his name to reflect what we love. Roan, the color of dogs. And for his middle name we wanted it to reflect our love for Alaska. Not knowing any Alaskan words, I started looking at the map for town names. We found the perfect one, Nikolai. Someday we hope to go there.

A year, almost to the day we got pregnant again. It made it so we followed the same timeline. I was scared to even acknowledge i was pregnant until we got past Sept 24th. I cried the first time we heard his heartbeat. My whole pregnancy, I held my breath every time they checked for Rook's heartbeat. I waited in anticipation for every kick. Rook was born one week to the day before Roan's due date.

Then we found ourselves pregnant a third time. A little less fear this time until that is, we went in for our first prenatal appointment. Our midwife couldn't find a heartbeat. "Not. AGAIN!" I screamed in my head. She recommended we go get an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. She had me make an appointment for the ultrasound then and there. She asked if i wanted the rest of the tests, or did i want to wait until we knew more from the ultrasound. My heart sank with her questions. I left to go meet up with Ryan and Rook. One look and Ryan read my face. He knew that look.Not again, he said. This was the longest week of our lives as we waited for our appointment. I truthfully didn't know if our marriage could survive another loss. We held our breath as we went in for our appointment. It felt like eternity in that waiting room. To all our relief our sweet ultrasound tech found her heartbeat right away. In celebratory fashion, Renlie June joined us on July 4th.

Along the way maybe you didn't get to meet him alive, maybe you did. Maybe you didn't get to hold him as long as you wished. Or brush your nose across his button nose. Or have those little fingers wrap around yours. Know that he is always with you. You'll see him in the sunsets. You'll hear him in your newborn's cry. You'll see him in their smiles. And if you are still enough and quiet enough, you'll even feel him in their hugs and snuggles. You just have to keep your heart open.

You've gained a Guardian Angel who will always be with you. Forever and Ever.

Until we meet again my sweet Roan Nikolai. All my love.