What are Relationship Styles?

This was my question when I started to see posts about this. Styles? As I read the first post about these, I knew I had to know more. What I learned from that first article is that there are three main types of styles.

1. Anxious/Sensitive Style

2. Secure Style

3. Avoidant/Independent Style

Have you ever heard of these? Do you know which category you fall into? Your partner?

The first thing I heard that let me breathe a little easier is, your relationship style isn't your fault. It was handed to you long before you realized it. That's not to say, those who raised us didn't do their best. They likely didn't have the tools. The awareness. The internet capabilities to learn from a therapist in Nashville from their bedroom in Alaska. Times are different and they deserve grace and forgiveness just like the rest of us. (After all, I am sure my kiddos will have something similar to handle when they get to my age. But I want them to know, I did my best. I learned new things in order to heal my inner child. And there is always work to be done.)

If you are one of the lucky Secure style one, woohoo! You've probably noticed how relationships came easier to you than your friends. You still feel all the feels, but have tools to help process and work through those emotions. For the rest of us, we have to breathe, learn some tools, and practice these new found skills. And for those lucky littles you have in your care, they may never realize the work us Mamas put in to help raise them better than we've ever known.

So how did we pick up our styles? Well as we grew up and became young adults, people told us "I love you" and then your brain recorded what happened next. It took notes. Whatever happened next, THAT is the love that became familiar to us.

So as we entered our dating and marriage years, we held up these notes to every potential date we came across. As we held up this notebook, we compared what we saw to what this new person exhibited.

"Meaning we will choose a partner that will feel like that kind of love, and we will purposely act in a way that will ensure we get that very kind of love."-Jourdan Blue

That's right. We will choose partners that repeat the patterns of our childhood. The issue comes in, when the love we experienced as a child wasn't perfect. Maybe not even close. It likely involved pain, inconsistency, rejection, and a questioning if we were truly loved.

Repeating these patterns in our relationships wont lead to ones that feel healthy, safey, secure, where our boundaries are respected.

So the question is: What is in your notebook? What love feels familiar to you? What ways do you equate love with suffering? What did your parental affection look like?

On the flip side: What are the positive traits and experiences and feelings do you associate with love? What were the great ways love was shown in your family growing up?

What things need to change in your notebook of love for you to have that dream relationship? That dream kind of love you have wanted your whole life?